The Waiting Season
David and I met at our young adults group at church one night in 2016, through a mutual friend. However, we didn’t become friends until God called me to Myanmar (the first time), and he happened to be the leader of the trip. We traveled internationally to Myanmar, a country in Southeast Asia. To say the trip was life changing would be quite an understatement. God moved, and his love was present in every moment. Prior to leaving, there were some feelings, but it was nothing I put too much thought into.
We came home from the trip, and I struggled to abandon my feelings. In fact, I even started praying that God would remove them-- silly, I know. I began telling a few of my closest friends, and they egged on my newly discovered affections. David and I started hanging out with our mutual friends until eventually, we hung out by ourselves.
It was clear to me these feelings weren’t going away. Mid April, he was working on a project he wanted to tell me about. We met up for coffee at Stereoscope, and he began to share what was on his heart. He had created, OVERNIGHT, a journal for people who go on missions trips. Instead of it being a blank notebook you take and fill with all your thoughts, he created a thought provoking journal with questions to help guide your thoughts after a long day of doing God’s work. It was so beautiful. I wanted to see every page, and hear every idea he had behind it. I loved it. I remember excusing myself to go to the bathroom. I didn’t have to go, but I wanted to talk to God. I went into the bathroom and began to thank God for David, and how I would be the luckiest girl in the world, to be his. I was so grateful for our friendship, even if that's all it ever was.
We worked on the journal for the next month, and would have meetings editing, and trying to make it better. By June 1, the journal was complete. During this time, we had both gone to get our hair done by our friend. He had asked David what was going on with us, and told him I had feelings for him. David had no idea I liked him, nor any idea that we had been spending too much time together, for being “just friends.” I didn’t know how to move forward. David and I had to talk, and determine what our relationship was going to be.
I remember waking up feeling nervous every day. “What if this ruins our friendship?” What if he doesn't like me, and doesn’t want to be my friend anymore? These questions plagued my mind, as I waited for 2 weeks, to have the conversation. It was clear I had feelings, but it wasn’t clear if they were reciprocated. During this two week period, I prayed every day. I remember asking God to give us both wisdom and help us make the best decision. The day before we met up, I remember just thanking God for David. I wasn’t asking God for David, or telling God he should make David like me. I just sat and prayed and thanked God for all the reasons I loved David.
We finally met up and the conversation went better than expected. Although, I didn’t get the answer I was anticipating. He said, he wasn’t a place to be in a relationship, and it wasn’t even on his mind. However, he didn't’t tell me no, just a “not yet”. At the time, I loved the answer. However, in a month's time, his answer gave me more confusion than clarity. “What if he never ends up choosing me, then what? What will I do with all this time? Is it wasted? Will my heart get broken?
It was time to have a difficult conversation. We met up, and I told him I couldn't do this. It wasn’t fair to tell me, “not right now” yet continue to pursue me further. We started hanging out more, and talking frequently, and it felt like something would come of this. But he hadn’t made his new intentions clear, therefore, I wasn’t about to let myself get heartbroken. I told him I only wanted to be friends, which made him very upset. He told me he wanted to continue getting to know me because he was interested in me. I didn’t understand. All I could hear, was that I wasn’t being chosen, and I couldn’t let my heart go through it.
We didn’t talk for two weeks, and I was initially confident that I had made the right decision. We ended up meeting up again after some time had passed. We both agreed moving forward it would be best to just be friends. However, deep down, I knew I didn’t want it. But we moved on from it, and it was no longer a topic of discussion. We started to work on projects again together, which helped us to rebuild our friendship. It was now the end of July, and we didn’t have any more projects to work on. Instead, we naturally started to go back to the way things were. They began to feel like dates, and I began to question things again. Although, this time around, I was sure of his feelings.
One day, mid August, I get a call from him as I was thrifting with one of my friends. He tells me that we need to talk, because he has important things to tell me. He begins to say, he wants to make me his priority, and that he really wants me. He says that he doesn’t just hang out with girls, and that I am special to him. He wanted to make it clear that he was after me. After months of confusion, David was saying the very words I prayed he would. During the months of July and August, I began to pray for three things. I prayed David would be praying about our situation and asking God for wisdom. I prayed he would be seeking council from men in the church, and lastly, I prayed that he would be the one to bring up this conversation and admit how he felt about me.
The next day, we met, and all three of my prayers were answered. David had no idea I was praying for those things, but as he was talking, he shared the answer to all three of my prayers. It was crazy. Every word out of David’s mouth, was something out of a dream. I remember thinking this couldn't be happening to me, because it didn’t feel real. The things I wish he’d said before, were the things he began to tell me. I wanted to be chosen, and now I had been. He said he would fight for me, and chose me everyday. God blessed me.
The wait was long, and difficult, and uncertain. But the wait taught me patience. It taught me to depend on the Lord, and trust him with every detail of my life. The wait taught me, sometimes there’s long sorrow before there’s joy, but also, that God is faithful. Our story is complex, and there parts people don’t understand. We didn’t do everything right, and we made mistakes along the way. But God can bring two people, from two different backgrounds, and two different ways of thinking, together for his glory. We aren’t perfect, and our situation is filled with flaws, but I’m grateful for all of it. I’m glad I waited those months for David, because it helped me greater appreciate the months we have now. David loves me, with a love I have never experienced before. He makes me a better person, he challenges me, and pushes me to be great. He reminds me of my beauty, not just the outward, but the inner. He encourages me to love deeper, and pursue the things God has called me to.
Are you in a season of waiting? Maybe it feels uncertain, bleak, long? Let me tell you, God knows. He is aware, and he has not forgotten you. Maybe you feel deep sorrow, and pain. God can make something beautiful out of your wilderness. It may not be immediate, and it may not look like mine did, but he is working, and he has not abandoned you. Though we face pain in the night, his joy comes in the morning. I didn’t know what the outcome would be, but I knew God was with me in my wilderness. My relationship with God is deeper because of it. The wilderness grows you, and prunes you for what’s coming. Are you ready for what God is going to do? Don’t come out of the wilderness unchanged.
Photo by: Psalmsthirtyfour